


On the Exploration of Divination Magics and the Practical Applications Therein

by tacomuerte



Series: Dianakko Week 2017 [1]
Category: Little Witch Academia
Genre: Awkward Afternoon Tea, Dianakko Week 2017, F/F, Fortune Telling, Green Team Sadly Only Mentioned in First Prompt, Parody, Red and Blue Teams, Repressed Feelings, They'll Appear in Future Prompts Though!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-27 16:17:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12084678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tacomuerte/pseuds/tacomuerte
Summary: Diana Cavendish is in danger! Akko Kagari has seen the future (as part of her Magical Astrology homework) and the stars never lie!Now, it's up to Akko alone to save Diana from a grim future of undetermined peril!It might have something to do with afternoon tea, but that's not really clear. Give her a break. She's new at this divination stuff, okay?Dianakko Week 2017: Day 1 - Stars/Astrology





	On the Exploration of Divination Magics and the Practical Applications Therein

It was a tranquil, sunny morning at Luna Nova. As Professor Anne Finnelan completed her daily mid-morning constitutional around the hallowed grounds of Luna Nova Magical Academy, she made note that not a single student appeared to be roughhousing or casting furtive glances towards any faculty member who happened by or trying to disguise the fact they were eating pilfered sweets from the kitchen or even something as minor as wasting the day napping. 

In fact, all the girls seemed hard at work studying for their upcoming exams. It was picturesque… exactly what a school should look like on a mild, fall day.

It made Professor Finnelan feel… nervous. Jumpy, even. This idyllic moment of academic paradise would not last more than a few hours… at best. As much as she would love for her perfect version of the scholastic experience to be the reality, Anne Finnelan was a realist hardened by decades spent in a hell populated by unmotivated students, overly entitled parents, and teenage hormones measured by the barrel. 

Not for the first time, Professor Finnelan regretted that she was a woman of iron self-control who would never disgrace the glorious reputation of Luna Nova by indulging in a stiff drink when faced with such a dire portent as this charming, pastoral morning. Whatever would come, would come, and Anne Finnelan decided then and there that she would be far too busy grading homework assignments to deal with whatever fresh hell the students dreamed up today. In fact, if any of the little darlings wandered up to her door seeking aid and comfort… or more likely to involve her in their ill-conceived and likely illegal schemes… she’d just send them on their way to bother Professor Chariot. That woman loved going on and on about the promise of youth and other such nonsense. Let her try to sort out just why a student thought it a good idea to have werewolves guard the greenhouse in order to keep the vampires at bay.

There was a very good reason Anne Finnelan had lasted this long at Luna Nova instead of burning out like so many before her had.

Having decided on a course of action, Professor Finnelan beat a hasty retreat to her office with a world-weary, put-upon sigh. Not for the first time, she mourned the fact that beautiful days were fleeting while teenage drama was eternal.

At that precise moment elsewhere on campus, Akko Kagari jumped to her feet, slamming her hands flat on the small desk she shared with her roommates. The resultant loud, hard slap of flesh on wood had two effects. Firstly, it got the full and undivided attention of her roommates, Sucy and Lotte, which had been Akko’s intention because what was the point of loud declarations of imminent calamity if you didn’t have a focused audience? Secondly, slapping her hands down like that stung like the dickens, leading her to make a resolution that she would find a less physically painful way to begin dramatic pronouncements.

Fighting through the throbbing pain in her palms, Akko settled for a dramatic gasp, causing Lotte to tilt her head in mild curiosity and Sucy to roll her eyes, sigh, and yet again question why she never pressed for a room of her own where she and her mushrooms could exist in some semblance of peace.

Akko ignored her roommates’ appalling lack of etiquette when it came to melodrama and slammed shut the book she was using to aid her in her homework, _Dire Portents and You: A Beginner’s Guide to Fortune-Telling for Fun and Profit_ by S. Trelawney. The book had proven invaluable when it came to fathoming the mysterious art of Magic Astrology—far more invaluable than the inscrutable textbooks Professor Chariot had assigned… textbooks which Akko had quickly discarded in frustration. 

This book was superior in every way to Chariot’s assigned texts. In fact, it was so superior that Akko couldn’t fathom why Chariot hadn’t assigned it instead of those dry, dusty old tomes filled with math, and she was lucky she had tuned out all of Chariot’s explanations as to why those books were useful and this book was somehow worthless because this particular text led her to a single, inescapable conclusion…

“Diana is in danger!” Akko shouted. 

This announcement likely would have had a larger effect on her audience if Akko hadn’t of late been making urgent claims both good and ill about the blonde heiress daily. It was getting to be a bit of a problem actually for Luna Nova at large, but no one was quite sure what to do about it since Akko and Diana had saved the world and restored magic to its rightful position of prominence (with a healthy assist from their friends and Professors Chariot and Croix.) Doing so tended to give one some leeway not afforded to most.

Sucy blinked at the agitated witch and wondered if she cared enough about Akko’s feelings to continue paying attention when she was a third of the way through a rather fascinating article in the latest issue of _Toxins Monthly_ about Catherine de Medici and her ingenious methods of delivering poisons to unsuspecting victims. Akko was already on a roll, meaning her noise levels were only going to increase until she was satisfied her point was made, so Sucy marked her place and focused on her overdramatic roommate, who was already wildly gesturing at the sky and excitedly babbling and shouting… 

Hm, Sucy thought. Akko does this so often, I should have a formal term for it. Babble-shouting? Shout-babbling? Shabbling? Bouting? Sucy decided on babble-shouting as that was the least confusing option which still conveyed the specific sentiment.

She turned her attention back to the hyperactive brunette who had yet to stop gesturing wildly at the sky and babble-shouting about her crush-slash-obsession, Diana Cavendish. Sucy settled in pretending to listen closely, hoping this would be a quick episode in the strange sitcom that was Akko Kagari’s life.

Lotte, being a much kinder, more understanding, and above all very patient friend, had been dutifully paying attention since the beginning of Akko’s tantrum. Of course, that still didn’t make whatever the Japanese witch was going on about comprehensible in the least. Indeed, the more Lotte tried to parse what Akko was on about, the less sense it made. All she could really determine was that Akko claimed to have finally made a successful divination—although honestly, Lotte highly doubted Akko’s oracular powers when it came to anything besides what tart would be served after dinner each night of the week—and it appeared from Akko’s reading that Diana Cavendish, top student at Luna Nova, co-savior of the world, co-restorer of magic to its rightful place, and most importantly Akko’s waifu, was in mortal peril… or something like that. 

Despite her best intentions, Lotte’s attention drifted as she made note to thank Barbara for getting her into fandoms outside of _Night Fall_ thereby introducing her to and broadening her mastery of pop culture terms. Case in point? Words such as “waifu.” There had been many weeks where Lotte was supremely bothered by the fact that she couldn’t quite put a proper name to the intriguing, symbiotic relationship between the two witches. Lotte never would have guessed that she would find her answer in the dark corners of anime fandom.

The long-suffering roommates were relieved when Akko—having decided she had done her duty by listing out the actually very fuzzy details of the grave threat Diana faced—grabbed her wand and put on her hat to go “save” Diana… and immediately sprinted headlong into the door with a resounding smack causing even Sucy to sympathetically wince.

“Ouch,” Akko choked out as she lay in a heap on the floor.

“Um, Akko,” Lotte said, hesitantly. “Why not open the door _before_ running through it?” Her hesitance wasn’t based in fear or nervousness. In fact, she was far less timid than many believed, but she had discovered early on that if she contradicted Akko, the headstrong young woman would insist on carrying out whatever wild scheme she had decided was necessary in the worst, most inelegant fashion possible, or die trying. It was just easier to make it sound like she wasn’t sure of the answer herself. If Akko thought the idea was hers, she was much more likely to do the smart thing.

Staggering to her feet, Akko shook herself, and seeing that her friend and test subject was mostly unharmed, Sucy went back to her article.

“Yeah,” Akko said, still a bit wobbly. “Open door _then_ run out door…”

She proceeded to do just that, and Lotte debated for a long moment whether she should go after her before deciding that was a thankless endeavor.

Lotte hoped that Diana was prepared for Akko’s efforts to save her from… whatever Akko thought was threatening the Cavendish scion. Either way, it would make great fodder for Lotte’s latest collaborative fanfic with Barbara. The two of them had authored an increasingly popular series of works focused on the Dianakko ship (or Akkordian ship to a few contrary holdouts) written using hopefully untraceable pseudonyms to protect the not-exactly-innocent, aka Lotte and Barbara, from the wholly deserved wrath of Diana and Akko when they discovered there were several dozen erotic fictions starring them.

Dianakko had made Lotte and Barbara quietly famous at Luna Nova, and of late their fiction was gaining a wider audience as the regular populace embraced magic again. Lotte found she quite enjoyed basking in the glow of adoration for her fiction, and wondered if she was becoming addicted to the attention. She considered that for a few moments before deciding she was okay with it if so. 

In fact, her only regret was that she had once upon a time rejected the chance to write the _Night Fall_ series herself, although she still thoroughly enjoyed Annabel’s superlative work on the series. Smiling happily, Lotte noted down a few ideas based on Akko’s earlier ravings and sent Barbara a text, warning her co-author to pay attention to whatever harebrained scheme Akko would inevitably put into motion. Then, she lost herself in a daydream where fanboys and fangirls threw themselves at her while book deals rolled in making her the toast of the magical world. She resolved to remember all the little people when she was sunning herself on her yacht, the SS Dianakko, paid off completely by the royalties from the first of many film projects based on her work.

Several hours later, Hannah and Barbara returned to their room after a long, fruitful day of making freshmen question their life choices. Sure, they were _reformed_ mean girls these days… mostly… but that didn’t change the truth of the situation. Luna Nova was a school, and schools were modern day gladiatorial arenas where students were either predator or prey, unless you happened to be Diana Cavendish, who possessed an aura of perfection that made everyone either want her or want to be her… or both want her and want to be her simultaneously but those people generally ended up on watch lists, so Hannah and Barbara felt better off letting the authorities worry about that group. 

Regardless, people like Diana and Akko, a girl who managed to turn sheer bloodyminded pluck into some kind of actual superpower, were exceptions. Everyone else had to establish themselves as apex predators or suffer the consequences, which was why Hannah and Barbara picked one random day every two weeks to terrorize other students. This had the benefit of keeping some of their more demure friends safe, too. For every Sucy who would pour a potion down your throat that literally melted your innards, there was a Lotte who made a point out of not brushing spiderwebs away because that might create a hardship for the spider. For every Constanze who had proven she could build a working mecha capable of annihilating entire countries, there was a Jasna who wanted nothing more than to cheerfully bake cupcakes for the entire school. For every Amanda… actually, Hannah and Barbara had a pact never to speak of Amanda after the time they mistook currant wine for raspberry cordial during an ill-advised foray into the kitchens one night, which culminated in Hannah writing very bad and very obscene poetry dedicated to the fiery American witch.

Anyway, the point was that really Hannah and Barbara performed a highly valuable service for their friends. After all, _someone_ was going to be on the receiving end of the usual harassment that fueled life at boarding schools, and it sure wasn’t going to be them. With that in mind and a great deal of buoyant cheer, Hannah and Barbara opened the door to their dorm room only to find the most harrowing scene imaginable.

Full. Afternoon. Tea.

If Hannah and Barbara had a rule… besides The Never Speak of Amanda O’Neill Rule and The Hannah Pretends Not to Know That Barbara Writes Erotic Fiction About Her Hot, British Roommate Rule… it was The Never Go Full Afternoon Tea Rule.

But now they stood afraid, staring into a dark abyss filled with Earl Grey and crumpets (plus various other assorted sweets) and sandwiches with the crusts expertly removed. 

Barbara, having magically texted back and forth with Lotte all day, had the benefit of knowing that Kagari was embroiled in some zany, good-hearted plot, which meant she was obviously behind whatever disaster had driven Diana to Full Afternoon Tea.

Hannah did not have the luxury of forewarning, but as the resident expert in Sapphic existential crises, she had an unshakable certainty that Kagari was behind this. The only question in her mind was should she kill Akko immediately, or wait patiently so as to give credence to the possibility the death was accidental and self-inflicted?

Steeling themselves, the two girls entered fearfully, eyeing the elegant tea service set up in the middle of the room just as Diana rounded the bookcase which sectioned off her space from the rest of the room. The two girls’ worst fears were confirmed. The platinum blonde witch looked the picture of relaxed tranquility. She sat with an effortless grace as her clear blue eyes held Hannah’s and Barbara’s in a steady, even gaze which revealed not even a trace of either joy or turmoil.

“Hello, girls,” Diana greeted them, her voice the perfect mixture of kindness and distance. “I realize I’m springing this on you suddenly, but I’d love to have tea with you if you haven’t any other plans?”

And there was the polite invitation, allowing for either gracious acceptance if one or both of them did join her or gracious understanding if one or both of them had prior engagements.

Every instinct Hannah and Barbara had told them to run… nay, sprint with every ounce of energy they could muster in the opposite direction. They pushed down those instincts and seated themselves. Both plastered on wide smiles, careful not to even so much as glance at each other for fear of being caught sharing secret thoughts in front of a good friend, which was a minor faux pas on most occasions in Diana’s opinion. Although seeing as she had gone Full Afternoon Tea on them, she’d likely interpret such a transgression as spitting on her ancestors good names all the way back to Beatrix, founder of the Cavendish family.

This was bad. This was very, _very_ bad. 

Once upon a time, a very young Diana Cavendish had enrolled in Luna Nova Magical Academy. On that first day of school, Hannah and Barbara—who had already made allies of each other during morning assembly after they sized each other up to determine if the other was worthy of fighting the war for social dominance at Luna Nova or a potential anchor around the neck when it came to said future conflicts—met the beautiful, talented, cheerful young scion of the famous Cavendish line.

The Diana of those first few weeks was very different in both mood and temper than the Diana most people had encountered over the years at Luna Nova. The former was an outgoing girl who sought the best in others with a sunny disposition—although they had heard rumors that the young heiress was practically a shut-in at home for mysterious reasons both roommates desperately wanted to uncover—and possessed of an unflagging faith in the future of magic and Luna Nova.

That faith sadly was unrewarded. 

What Diana quickly found to her shock and dismay was that the faculty were… to put it gently… a bunch of oddballs and rules-obsessed pedants, and the student body was no better, consisting of a poisonous mixture of cliquish “mean girls” seeking to stake out petty fiefdoms and rowdy misfits who cared barely if at all for Luna Nova or the state of magic in the world. None of the students gave a whit about academic endeavors. The faculty did to an extent, but their interests in scholastic excellence seemed solely devoted to bringing in more funding for the school, not to furthering the noble pursuits of magic for the betterment of the world.

Needless to say, it was a huge blow to the Cavendish orphan who had placed all her hope and faith into the dream that Luna Nova would be different from her miserable home life, and now faced the dreadful inevitability of seven long years of disappointment. Still, she had resolved to face this challenge as any Cavendish worth her salt would with aplomb, grace, and above all patience.

She lasted three weeks into her first term before hitting her breaking point. 

That day, which possessed an eerie similarity to this day, Hannah and Barbara had returned to their room after class to find Diana waiting on them with a full afternoon tea service at the ready and in the midst of a full-blown, low-key nervous breakdown. While the two girls were familiar with the concept of afternoon tea, they had never participated in such a thing. At least, Hannah being Irish had a neighborly familiarity with the event, but Barbara was South African and had very different traditions to say the least.

The duo made many mistakes as they learned the ins and outs of Diana’s very rigid view of tea service, and Diana very meticulously and very thoroughly corrected each and every single error, no matter how small. Soon, that behavior extended to every interaction the three had… and then her descent into perfectionist controlling behavior was complete as she began applying it to everyone at the school. This could have ended with the Cavendish heiress as a pariah, but as Diana was beautiful and intelligent and envied, she quickly rose to the top of the social ladder. 

Hannah and Barbara decided riding her coattails to popularity was preferable to the risky proposition of attaining—and then having to defend—Queen Bee status for themselves. Of course, somewhere along the way that cunning play of devotion became real, as privately Diana remained a caring individual who truly wanted to help others be happy and attain their goals.

That sorry period, which began with the infamous Full Afternoon Tea, was the genesis of the more well-known version of Diana Cavendish, star student and pride of Luna Nova. It was also the genesis of the first twinges of regret that Hannah and Barbara had ever felt in regards to another person. They had contributed in no small part to crushing the dreams of a sweet idealist, turning her into a cold, distant perfectionist who would lead by example if she couldn’t convince others of the righteousness of her cause. 

That regret had been successfully buried deep once the benefits of Diana’s ascendancy rubbed off on them, but it was there nonetheless, and one fateful day when a magically powered nuclear missile was defeated by the combined efforts of the worst student at Luna Nova and the best student at Luna Nova, that regret blossomed as they were once again faced with the truth in the form of a smiling, happy, and fulfilled Diana Cavendish. They realized as soon as they saw her take Akko’s hand and smile sweetly in the face of mortal peril that the Diana they had met at the very start was the Diana who should have been nurtured and protected. 

To their eternal shame, Akko Kagari was the person to bring that Diana back instead of Diana’s devoted, foolish roommates.

As the students and faculty had celebrated Akko and Diana’s victory, Hannah and Barbara had shared a private word with each other, expressing their dissatisfaction with the part they had played and resolving to do better and be the friends that Diana deserved. They had made good on that promise every day since.

They kept one single rule from that earlier period of infamy, though. Never let Diana Cavendish go Full Afternoon Tea. Originally, the two had established that rule for their own sanity. Diana’s persnickety obsessiveness over every detail of afternoon tea went beyond trying, veering all the way into maddening. Post-Missile Crisis, it was for Diana’s sake they kept that decree alive. Never again would they stand idly by while their friend delved into the labyrinths of insanity that would forevermore be known as Full Afternoon Tea. They would not stand idly by while their friend Stiff Upper Lipped her way into the hospital.

Yet at that instant, that was precisely what they faced.

They were determined this would not stand, but approaching Diana in this delicate state required subtlety and great care.

It was with those requisites in mind that Hannah snarled out, “What did Akko do this time?”

All the resolutions in the world could only do so much in the face of a person’s true nature, and Hannah’s true nature could charitably and accurately be described as Attack Dog. 

Barbara sighed. This was going to go so poorly.

“I’m not sure what gave you the idea that Atsuko’s done anything wrong,” Diana bit out defensively. Her tolerance for Akko’s behavior often bordered on the criminal, so the girls were used to that, but she had specifically called Akko by her formal name. That worried them. Diana only called the girl that when she was highly agitated.

Deciding to head off the verbal brawl… hopefully… Barbara intervened. “Diana, we can see that you’re upset—”

Only to be cut off by Diana, whose posture was becoming more rigid by the instant as she scrambled to close off any emotions from the outside world. “Upset? I’m not upset. I’m the farthest thing from upset. Why, we should invent a new term for how not upset I am!”

Hannah and Barbara’s flat, unimpressed stares perfectly expressed their lack of belief.

The next two minutes consisted of a standoff between Diana and her roommates as both parties stared, narrow-eyed and angry, at the other.

Diana broke first and sighed. “Perhaps I am… slightly vexed.”

Placing a hand on Hannah’s to prevent the auburn-haired girl from badmouthing Akko again because that would guarantee Diana emotionally shutting down again, Barbara said, “We’re here for you if you want to talk.”

As Diana hemmed and hawed trying to decide if she should confide in her closest friends, Barbara mentally agreed with Lotte that Diana and Akko had waifu’d the heck out of each other, and it was only a matter of time before one or both of them exploded with repressed romantic and sexual tension, and no one at Luna Nova wanted to be witness to that.

Hannah, on the other hand, simply continued to plot the demise of one Atsuko Kagari for undoing all the progress her friend had made. When it came down to it, Hannah England was a girl who liked to keep things simple.

Finally, the blonde witch blew out a deep breath and quit making excuses. “Alright, fine. I’m vexed, girls… completely, unequivocally vexed! All day, Atsuko has been behaving erratically, and yes I’m quite aware, despite the general assumption that I have a blind spot when it comes to her, that her behavior is most often rightfully described as erratic. Nevertheless, today has seen unequaled caprice on her part.”

Diana paused to take a delicate nibble from a cucumber sandwich, one of her favorites. 

Out of politeness, her roommates also partook of said sandwiches. Hannah was indifferent to them, but for Barbara, it was a testament to her admiration of Diana. The raven-haired witch truly loathed cucumber sandwiches. They were flavorless and possessed a disturbing texture, but if Diana needed cucumber sandwiches to feel secure, Barbara would eat them until they came out her ears.

With a sigh, Diana continued, “Everything seemed fine at breakfast, and we parted ways as usual. I had research to continue in the library, and Akko needed to complete some homework for Professor Chariot, I believe.

“The next thing I know, Atsuko’s bursting into the library with a wild look in her eyes. She stormed over to me, and quite honestly she looked so agitated that I was afraid I had unwittingly done something to offend her, but instead of a confrontation over whatever was upsetting her, she demanded that I allow her to carry my textbooks to my next class. Understandably I feel, I was somewhat stunned by her vehemence, so I agreed thinking it was better to simply go along with her until she calmed down.

“Then after my class, I found her waiting in the hallway for me. Her own class is on the other side of the building, and I couldn’t see how she had made it from there to my class so quickly and asked her if she had skipped, which is not something I can condone. She insisted that she had attended class and was quite hurt by my suggestion otherwise. She must have run all the way from her class to mine to have any chance to meet me before I left, so of course we argued about her conduct. You know how I feel about running in the halls.”

Her audience nodded, and Diana felt reassured that they agreed with her that Akko’s filthy rulebreaking ways shouldn’t be ignored just because she had done an admittedly great service to the world and magical society. Satisfied, she took up her tale again. “So after a brief debate on the merits of obeying the rules unless there’s a clear and present reason for breaking them—which, by the way, Atsuko refused to provide any reason at all—I once again acquiesced and she carried my books to the next class, Magical Pharmaceutics, which we fortunately share eliminating the need to rampage down the corridors like some barbarian. 

“However, this seemed only to present a new opportunity for Atsuko to behave strangely. She adamantly refused to partner with Sucy, with whom she generally works in that class. Anyway, after a rather vociferous declaration that I was her partner and no one else’s for the task, she wouldn’t hear of me being near the cauldron as we worked. I realize she’s improved in recent months, but I think you’ll agree it’s quite worrisome when she’s involved with dangerous chemicals, especially those of a volatile nature. Fortunately, we emerged unscathed. For once, she took great care and paid more attention than I’ve ever seen to Professor Lukic’s instructions.

“If that had been the end of it, perhaps I would have simply shrugged it off as another one of her strange misadventures, perplexing whilst in progress, but ultimately an amusing tale after it’s all said and done.”

Diana’s agitation was increasing as she spoke, so she stopped and picked at a scone in the hopes she could recover some of her composure.

Hannah tried being patient, but the wait kept stretching on until she finally said, “Diana, you can’t just leave it there! What else did she do?”

Barbara silently agreed. She wanted to know both for Diana’s sake and for her upcoming fictions.

The blonde harrumphed, which was actually quite adorable, although it was rare to find an individual (aside from Akko) who would dare call Diana Cavendish adorable to her face, and continued, “Perhaps you noticed neither Atsuko nor I were present at lunch?”

The two girls nodded.

Pleased that her friends had observed that odd circumstance, Diana continued, “She didn’t want to go to the cafeteria and join you and the rest of our friends. She kept rambling on about ‘too many variables.’ Honestly, I have no idea what she meant by it, but regardless I soon found myself led by the hand with little choice but to comply. She took me to the common grounds and proceeded to closely examine every tree for what she kept saying were ‘the optimal conditions.’

“We lost almost half of lunch to this nonsense before I’d had quite enough and told her so. Immediately, she settled on a tree and spread a blanket out under the shade of the branches and proceeded to open a basket full of food without _once_ having formally requested my company. In fact, she seemed put out that she couldn’t continue to search for the perfect tree, but what was I to do? To be honest, I’m still not sure where she got the blanket or the basket, and I dread finding out how she managed to obtain a selection of my favorite foods for our impromptu picnic.”

Things were starting to make a lot more sense to Barbara. Lotte had sent her a message earlier that Akko was on a mission to save Diana from some nebulous dark fate. Her partner-in-fanfiction had said Akko kept repeating that something grim was coming for Diana according to some book, but the demure witch hadn’t been able to make heads or tails of what Akko had learned from the text she kept ranting about. It was likely Akko didn’t know herself, and had taken it upon herself to coddle Diana until the mysterious, grim enemy appeared.

What Akko intended to do once that threat appeared was anyone’s guess, but Barbara had little doubt that in order to save her precious Diana, she’d conjure up some unexpected but brilliant magic.

So of course in Akko’s mind, the best thing to do was attach herself to Diana for the duration—a fate that Barbara knew for a fact neither witch minded at all—and make sure she didn’t do anything “dangerous” such as carrying heavy books or working with potentially explosive potions or, in the case of the cafeteria, being in the middle of crowds who occasionally (if rarely) threw items across the room in a haphazard manner. Of course, the primary culprit for all those activities was one Akko Kagari, but it made sense those were the types of things she would assume dangerous for her beloved Diana.

Really, the only part Barbara couldn’t figure out was why Akko picked out Diana’s favorite foods for the picnic. If the girl had shown an ounce of introspection, she wouldn’t be able to miss the metaphorical giant, flashing neon sign saying, “I love Diana Cavendish!” That seemed a bridge too far for the Japanese witch, though, so everyone had to put up with this song and dance while Akko figured it out and Diana ruthlessly repressed her own feelings like any good British girl would.

Therefore, Akko wouldn’t have picked Diana’s favorite foods as a way to impress her. No, she would… 

As she had been internally monologuing, Diana had continued her tale of “woe” aka being on the receiving end of the attentions she desperately craved from the girl she desperately craved. In doing so, the blonde had absentmindedly reached for another cucumber sandwich.

And that’s when Barbara figured it out. 

Diana loved dainty foods with delicate, soft textures. For a girl like Akko, the act of eating was a free-for-all, no-holds-barred bloodsport, and the only way to win was to cram as much food as physically possible into one’s mouth as quickly as possible whereupon one would chew the bare minimum amount of times possible before swallowing the entire lump of food in one disturbing gulp before repeating the process.

Added to that was the fact that there were three things Akko obsessed over: Shiny Chariot, flying, and Diana Cavendish. Of course, Akko would memorize Diana’s schedule. Of course, Akko would know the fastest routes to get to Diana at all times. Of course, Akko would know what Diana’s favorite foods were… and of course, Akko would see those foods and the gentle, mannered fashion in which Diana ate as cautious to the extreme.

Satisfied, Barbara returned her attention to Diana, who had thankfully not noticed her drifting into her own thoughts on the matter.

Hannah, on the other hand, had been trying to figure out what was going on as well, but without all the information Barbara was privy to when the raven-haired witch came to her own conclusions. Hannah wasn’t dumb. In fact, she was a gifted witch herself, and rarely had to make much effort to solve puzzles such as this, but on the rare occasion she was greatly challenged, she tended to screw her face up into a strange, off-putting grimace. She had remarked in the past that she was grateful that she was rarely challenged for just that reason.

As fate would have it though, that was precisely the expression she wore currently, which both Diana and Barbara had just noticed and were staring at curiously. She didn’t pay attention, though, as the gears whirled and clicked in her head until she came to the obvious, inescapable conclusion, which only happened to be correct by accident.

Hannah’s eyes went wide and she gasped dramatically. If Akko had been there, she would have clapped and congratulated Hannah on her achievement of proper melodramatic gesturing in the service of capturing an audience’s attention. She wasn’t, so Hannah had to settle for Diana and Barbara’s startled blinking.

“Hannah, are you quite alright?” Diana asked, concerned.

Hannah focused on her studious friend, trying in vain once again to discern how precisely such a gifted witch could miss something so plain. Of course, it wasn’t exactly that Diana missed the fact that Akko had feelings for her or that she had feelings for Akko. On some level, she was painfully aware and had buried those feelings deeply before purposefully losing the map to their location because if you ignore feelings, they can’t hurt you, right? 

Sighing, Hannah wondered why was she the only one of her friends who could face up to difficult feelings? She promptly ignored the image of Amanda that popped into her mind unbidden, with her rakish smile and her dazzling green eyes and her pouty lips which existed in a perpetual smirk, because firstly this wasn’t the time and secondly we don’t talk about Amanda O’Neill.

With a quick shake of her head to refocus (again) Hannah finally spoke up. “So, the problem is Akko carried your books for you, walked you to class, tried to impress you in Magical Pharmaceutics class, and wanted to have the perfect picnic lunch with you? And.. you really can’t see what’s going on, Diana?”

A panicked Barbara’s eyes went wide because she realized Hannah was committing them to a path of no return despite the numerous times the two girls had debated whether forcing Diana to confront her situation was the right thing to do. Barbara, worried over causing moments like today’s Full Afternoon Tea… and worried over losing inspiration for her fictions if she was honest… erred on the side of caution, believing Diana and Akko would find each other in their own time. Hannah erred on the side of “Just get it over with and kiss already!”

Barbara froze, captivated as she watched something very much akin to the plot of one of her fanfics unfold finding herself unable to speak or think of something she could do to distract everyone from causing unforetold damage to her future fiction writing.

Diana tilted her head curiously… and once again adorably.

Hannah huffed, annoyed. “Really, Diana, it’s not any big secret that Akko’s like totally in love with you.”

Barbara imagined that somewhere in the distance, the sound of a record scratch echoed into the air, leaving quite a few people and animals in the region very confused.

In the history of Diana Cavendish’s Luna Nova career, no one until this moment could say they had ever seen her taken so completely by surprise that she simply sat there slack-jawed. Most would have thought that if anyone would reduce her to such a state, it would be Akko Kagari, not Hannah England.

Unfortunately, Diana was now confronted with something that she had already known deep down but preferred not to think about, so she had proceeded to… well… _not_ think about it. As she sat glassy-eyed and staring into space, the girl mentally catalogued every single interaction she’d had with Atsuko Kagari since the witch’s arrival at Luna Nova. What Hannah claimed made more sense than anything else. She had to admit it was the most likely possibility. This also spurred her to look at her own interactions with the spunky brunette along with every odd thought and curious daydream she’d originally dismissed as stress-induced.

She was in love with Atsuko Kagari. 

This was a disaster… wasn’t it? Really, she had no idea. Up was down and the world was spinning.

Meanwhile, Hannah and Barbara had settled in, hopeful that Diana would recover enough to discuss this so they could offer support and congratulations. After five or so minutes, it became apparent that recovery might not happen.

Barbara cleared her throat. “I… um… think you might have broken her, Hannah.”

“I didn’t mean to!” Hannah insisted.

They decided to give it a couple more minutes, but that didn’t work either. Tentatively, Hannah reached out and lightly grasped Diana’s shoulder, which seemed to do the trick. 

The blonde snapped her jaw shut, blinked, and refocused on her current surroundings. She took a deep breath and said, “Oh, Hannah! You’re such a kidder, you kidder you! Always kidding! Right, Barbara? She’s kidding, right? You should stop kidding now, Hannah, or people might get the wrong idea.”

Needless to say, that was not the reaction Diana’s roommates expected, and now that it was out in the open, it wasn’t one they could accept.

“Diana,” Hannah stated reprovingly.

The witch in question turned to Barbara, hopeful of an ally. She found none.

“Diana,” Barbara stated, just as reprovingly.

Looking between the two, Diana sighed and her shoulders slumped. “I don’t know what to do,” she admitted.

Hanna asked, “How do _you_ feel about Akko?”

Diana nervously played with the hem of her blouse. “I… I care for her. Perhaps I even l-love her, but I don’t know what to do about it.”

Barbara stood at a crossroads. She could either fully support her friend and help her win the girl of her dreams, or she could make the selfish decision again keeping her newfound writing fame alive. She looked into those clear, blue eyes desperate for help, just as those same eyes had been desperate for help years ago when school wasn’t the refuge Diana had hoped and dreamed it would be. 

It was no choice at all, really.

“You get your girl,” Barbara said, fighting back tears of happiness. This time she and Hannah were going to be the friends Diana deserved.

“I don’t know how,” Diana whispered, shyly.

Hannah gave Barbara a meaningful look, and the raven-haired witch nodded to signal she had this. Standing up, Barbara said she’d be right back and went to her desk. She picked up the device she used to text Lotte and sent a message to her coauthor:

_Diana figured out she’s in love with Akko. She’s going to ask her out. Where’s Akko?_

She expected a return message although she wasn’t sure how long it would take, so she returned to her companions. Just as she sat, the door burst open, revealing an excited Lotte.

The usually demure witch flung herself at Diana, and gripped her in a tight hug, exclaiming, “I’m so happy for you!”

Diana tried to find a way to breathe as Lotte squeezed her while simultaneously angling the excited girl away from the bone china tea set, which was a Cavendish heirloom.

“Thanks,” she managed to squeak out finally as Barbara pried Lotte off of her. Looking up, Diana saw that Lotte’s roommates had trailed after her and stood in the doorway.

Sucy had her trademark impassive expression, but Akko looked oddly upset, her eyes narrow and her mouth a flat line and her cheeks puffed out. She also had her hands clenched into fists at her sides, which Diana found worrying.

“What’s going on?” the brunette asked through gritted teeth.

Diana was holding onto her composure by the tips of her metaphorical fingers, but she called upon her proud heritage as a Cavendish, smiled graciously and said evenly, “Akko, Sucy, it’s so wonderful to see you. Would you care to join us for tea?”

The lavender-haired witch shrugged and took a seat, eyeing the various sandwiches and treats with curiosity.

Akko didn’t budge an inch. “What’s going on?” she repeated with more than a hint of danger in her voice.

If Diana had her wits about her instead of being on the razor’s edge of fainting like a silly fool, she would have definitely picked up on Akko’s furious jealousy when faced with the sight of Lotte embracing Diana. Instead, she focused on the task at hand, which was being honest and open about her feelings. She felt Akko deserved that much, even if there was no way she would return Diana’s feelings.

The blonde held out her hand and said, “Please join us, Akko. I’d like to discuss something with you.”

The brunette haltingly, grudgingly stalked forward, giving Lotte the ultimate stinkeye along the way. Diana’s hand acted like a magnet, drawing her in.

As Akko accepted her hand, Diana felt a surge of warmth suffuse her, and she suppressed a nervous giggle. The angry girl allowed herself to be gently tugged down by Diana’s light pull.

Barbara shut the door to give them some sort of privacy, and she debated shooing everyone but Diana and Akko out of the room before deciding that would cause more issues than it resolved.

Diana took a deep breath, still holding Akko’s hand, and with a shaky voice said, “Akko, it’s come to my attention that perhaps earlier today you were in your own very endearing fashion attempting to court me, and I was remiss in not seeing that earlier.”

“Huh?” Akko said, cutting off the glare she was dishing out to her mousy roommate and devoted her full attention to Diana. Through the fog of anger, she had heard some of the words and it sounded like maybe probably Diana thought she had been asking her out? “No, you were in danger, and I had to save you. I did a reading and it said something grim was coming for you.”

Diana’s stomach dropped, and she found herself wondering if there was a Diana-sized hole nearby she might crawl into where she could remain forever. “Oh,” she said weakly, regretting ever setting foot in this thrice-cursed school. “My mistake. Let’s just forget I said anything then.”

Hannah, meanwhile, was gripping the table and a low growl emanated from her throat as she tried to decide if a butter knife would inflict enough lingering pain to satisfy her when she stabbed the idiot across the table who had just recklessly annihilated her friend.

“Please, Hannah,” Diana said, trying to head off a regrettable scene. “I… I apologize, Akko. I misread your intentions, and I realize this is unwelcome news, but…” she paused as her voice grew hoarse with emotion. “I’m very sorry, but I can’t… I simply can’t hide my feelings any longer. Akko, I have feelings for you. Real feelings. I know that’s not what you want to hear—”

She was cut off as the poleaxed girl she addressed held a hand up to stop her from speaking before turning to face her roommate, Sucy, with a look of pure, unadulterated rage.

“Sucy,” Akko growled. “If you slipped me another one of your stupid potions, I will _never_ forgive you.” The brunette paused as she brushed at her eyes to prevent the tears gathering from rolling down her cheeks. “This is too cruel, Sucy, even for you.”

Sucy wasn’t surprised per se. It was actually something she might do, but she wasn’t quite sure what she might do to prove her innocence in this instance.

Luckily, Diana took the lead. “It’s not a potion, Akko,” she said, near tears herself. “I’m sorry. I know now this foolish confession is the last thing you’d want to hear, but I would be the poorest of friends if I deceived you and wasn’t honest about how I feel…” She lowered her head in shame, unable to continue.

“What?” Akko asked, drawing Diana’s gaze to her. “I don’t understand. You’re sorry? Why are you sorry, Diana?”

The entire table was silent watching the tense exchange between the two.

“I realize your heart belongs to another,” Diana began and paused. She very much needed a chance to gather her thoughts, but everything was happening so fast. “Akko, I’ve seen the way you look at Andrew and the way he looks at you.”

Akko blinked. “What? Andrew? _What?_ ”

Diana nodded. “Yes, I am very aware I’m not the person you want to hear confessing that you’ve captured their heart.”

“But Diana,” Akko whispered, voice shaking. “I’m like totally in love with you.”

Hearing that, Diana decided perhaps fainting wasn’t so bad after all, so she promptly did just that. She wasn’t sure how long she was out, but some time later, she blinked her way back to consciousness with her head reclined in Akko’s lap. Upon realizing she was lying in Akko’s lap, she had to resist the urge to faint again.

Instead, she had to argue rather stridently before she was allowed to sit up again.

Akko watched her adoringly, and Diana’s stomach flipped several times.

“So you… return my feelings?”” the blonde asked, needing to hear it one more time hopefully without fainting.

“Yeah, I do,” Akko assured her, but then sadness washed over her features. “But I’m not good enough for you, Diana. I mean I’m barely a witch at all. It’s why I’ve never said anything before.”

Sucy groaned and the rest of the girls facepalmed.

Diana quit fighting the urge to giggle nervously and did so saying, “Why not let _me_ decide who is or isn’t good enough for me?”

Akko’s blush made Diana’s heart soar, and the brunette let out her own nervous giggle.

“We’re all so happy for you,” Barbara said, and Hannah smiled, agreeing.

Lotte added, “You’re perfect together!”

Sucy concurred, “Yeah, I’m nauseous already at how cute you two are together.”

“Finally,” Hannah sighed. “I’ve never seen anyone dodge their feelings the way you two do.”

Diana arched a perfect eyebrow and asked, “Oh? And how are you and Ms. O’Neill getting along?”

Hannah gritted her teeth and growled, “We do not talk about Amanda O’Neill.”

“I dunno,” Akko said, smirking. “That poetry I found in the kitchen bins said it all pretty clear.”

“Poetry?” Hannah choked, and the other girls edged away from the enraged witch. “What poetry?”

“The poetry I gave to Amanda,” Akko smirked harder somehow. 

Hannah leapt to her feet, and it took both Barbara and Lotte to keep her from lunging at Akko.

Diana admired the courage of her soon-to-be-deceased new girlfriend. “Akko,” she cautioned. 

The brunette puffed her cheeks and blew out a sigh. “Fine,” she admitted. “I gave the poetry to Diana so she could make sure it was properly disposed of or give it back to you.”

“And I hid it securely on the off-chance you might want it back someday,” Diana added.

Hannah narrowed her eyes. “Diana, I’m going to kill your girlfriend.”

Diana scoffed, “This tea set was a gift from my mother and has been in the family over two hundred years.”

“Diana,” Hannah amended. “I’m going to kill your girlfriend later when we’re not near your tea set.”

Akko stuck her tongue out at Hannah before stuffing an entire scone in her mouth.

Diana sighed at what she had gotten herself into. “You might consider how close Akko is to Amanda. In my experience, ruffians understand each other and can provide tips on how to best approach one of their ilk.”

“Hey!” Akko and Hannah both protested weakly, before glaring at each other over having spoken in unison.

Sucy chuckled, “And I thought the fun might be over now.”

Barbara and Lotte quietly conferred over what to call the Amanda/Hannah ship as they plotted their new erotic fiction series.

Hannah considered Diana’s words and grumbled, “Don’t make me regret this, Kagari.”

Akko smiled and snuggled into Diana’s side causing the blonde to smile and look down on her lovingly.

“Akko, dear,” Diana said after a moment. “You claim you read my future and saw me in peril?”

Akko’s face grew serious and she looked up saying, “Yeah, it was scary.”

“Not that I doubt your abilities,” Diana said, totally doubting Akko’s abilities. “But perhaps we could do a second reading? Just to confirm, perhaps?”

“Sure,” Akko chirped happily. “I’ll go get my book.”

“I already have the text,” Diana offered helpfully.

“Oh, I didn’t use that one!” Akko grinned. “I used one I found in the bargain section of the Magic Item Cafe! It’s so much easier to understand!”

Diana rolled her eyes. “I’d like to look at this text,” she said. As Akko went to stand, she tightened her grip on the brunette and added, “Later. For now, we have tea.”

“Okay,” Akko said, picking up a cucumber sandwich and happily munching. “You’re the best, Diana.”

The blonde smiled. “You make me so happy,” she said as she leaned in to kiss her girlfriend on the cheek, causing Akko to turn roughly the color of a tomato and let out a squeal that sounded like Diana’s tea kettle going off, but that the other girls understood to mean _This is the best day ever!_

And it was at the very least, the best Full Afternoon Tea ever on the grounds of Luna Nova Magical Academy.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to Dianakko Week for 2017!
> 
> For readers new to my work, prepare yourself for prompts of unwieldy length and occasional crack-pairings. I look forward to your reviews and hope this is a fun experience!
> 
> For readers familiar with my work, I first would like to offer apologies for being absent for so long. This is, hopefully, my return to regular writing after some... not great stuff in my personal life. I owe all of you various fics, which I'll start working on at the first opportunity.
> 
> As always, these fictions are beta-read by the invaluable, brilliant, and eternally kind asimaiyat, without whom none of the things I write would see the light of day. Asimaiyat is also helping me post this to tumblr somehow. I don't really understand tumblr and how it works, so... best of luck with that, asimaiyat!
> 
> Now to items regarding this story in specific, I'm happy with this one I think. I realize there is some caricature in here, which I'm okay with for this one. I wanted to start off with something fun and lighthearted with a dash of sarcasm. For those that know me well, that is going to sound ominous, and some of the future installments in this week will have their angst meters cranked up a tad.
> 
> I love Diana and Akko. Like... LOVE them. So I'm thrilled that I noticed there was a fiction week before it was two-thirds over leaving me to scramble to catch up (which never works, by the way.) I hope that if you are a fan of the source material, you find them lovable here, too. If you aren't introduced to the source material... WHY ARE YOU NOT WATCHING THIS PERFECT SHOW OF PERFECTNESS WITH PERFECT CHARACTERS WHO MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS?!
> 
> ... sorry about that.
> 
> Anyway, I had fun writing this, and I'm somewhat tempted to do a small follow-up sometime in the future with Hannah attempting to court Amanda. If I do, hijinks will ensue.


End file.
